shit job of the day

take this job and shove it

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Carpenters, this is your lucky day

Do you love installing oak flooring in leafy, wealthy North Shore suburbs? Do you love to be paid below the national hourly rate for your work? Were you ever in a union that paid you quite a bit more for your work than you’re willing to earn now? Are you over 35? Yes? THEN THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!

If you answered yes to all of the above questions and you also lack self-respect, are desperate for money and don’t care about devaluing the cost of labor in your industry, then please apply for this shit job immediately.

Hopefully this example shows you, our dear readers, that we don’t just whine about jobs for coddled Millennial college graduates. No, we take offense at every kind of low-balling there is out there in the job market, whether it’s laborers, Wal-Mart workers (don’t even get us started!!!) or the lowest slime of them all, journalists and graphic designers ;-)

Without further delay, let us look at today’s shit job in more detail:

I need to hire one master journeyman oak flooring installer……lots of work….2 months solid…..must do trim and ..cabanets …..must do hardwood….must be over 35….will not budge on that…..must prove you were a union floor installer…..18.50 an hour…cash….at the end of day….or week you choose……only real flooring installers please apply

Where to begin?

First of all, the writer of this ad managed to achieve their enviable station in life without learning proper use of the English language. But there’s nothing new there.

Second, they WILL NOT BUDGE on you being 35 or over. They will fight you to the death on that one, carpenters. Why, if you are about to turn 35 next month when you come around asking about this job, you will promptly be shown the door. Don’t even bother trying! Why is this person obsessed with getting someone older you ask? Your guess is as good as ours.  

Then you have to prove you were a union installer. This is akin to proving that you used to eat steak every night before you will be allowed to touch SPAM. A union, boys and girls, would have paid you a decent wage most likely, unlike this person.

A union would have paid significantly higher than $18.50/hr which is MORE THAN A FULL DOLLAR below the national average for carpenters, some of whom aren’t even in unions. Let’s contrast that with the average earnings of a Wilmette resident which is $168,832 per year (source). So these aren’t exactly folks that can’t afford to shell out the national average for a carpenter. But you know, I guess times are tough even in Wilmette. You can only afford 2 cars now instead of 3 and you had to fire your gardener and Molly is getting a Jeep for her 16th birthday instead of a BMW… I mean, it’s a RECESSION.

Finally, these friends of the working man in Wilmette are going to pay you in cash which means, you guessed it, you’re on your own for health insurance, personal injury, or any of that other fun stuff that comes with working for a union or some other formal entity. 

So carpenters, RUN, do not walk to apply for this job.

Thank you to reader Rob Kenobi for pointing us to this ad.

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When a shit job is also a shit ad

Hello fellow job searchers or just people who hate your current job. We know you’re out there!

By the way, we feel obligated to remind you that if you’re enjoying this site, tell a friend. If we can’t make money, at least we can bathe in your adulation. So send it our way.

And while you’re at it, send any shit jobs you see our way. Our e-mail is shitjoboftheday (at) gmail (dot) com. So far we haven’t heard from too many of you. You know what that makes you? FREELOADERS. So please, don’t be a drain on society. Send us any shit jobs you see out there and we’ll work our special magic on them here. 

Without further ado, today’s job of the day is short and… the opposite of sweet.

Here it is in its full, err, glory:

Looking for an affordable freelance website developer knowledgeable in social media and tasteful graphic design. Copywriting skills helpful. Startup company so must be affordable. 

Now, kids, how many times did they use the word “affordable?” I guess this is why they need you to have copywriting skills. Because they can’t even write a fucking Craigslist job ad. The last sentence isn’t even a sentence.

In a way though, it wasn’t a lack of synonyms at the ready that caused them to re-use “affordable.” No, they REALLY want you to know that you’ll be working for near nothing here. When these people look up “affordable” in the dictionary, they see “will work for less than half of what rent costs.” Then again, I don’t think they own a dictionary.

By the way, one of the bullet points towards the bottom reads:

OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities

Well, I guess that makes sense. Because you might have to be mentally deficient to apply for this.

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Do all of the things!

Alright, I can’t take much credit for the above catchphrase - it was on Hyperbole and a Half once - but it’s sure the exact thing I want to say to the following PART TIME job.

Can you bookkeep? Can you run on office? Are you a mom needing income? Can you HTML code? Oh, and do you have a degree in marketing? Awesome! You’re wanted for an interactive web firm!

Your Job:
We’ll need you to be flexible about the tasks you undertake which will range from traditional office management and bookkeeping tasks to website production tasks like entering content or writing HTML code. You will work most closely with our COO but you may end up assisting any of our senior staff with client projects or research as schedule allows.

Have I mentioned this is part time?

You might have another primary pursuit (stay-at-home-parent/thespian/musician/writer), but you’re looking for a stable, fun source of regular income.

Do. All. Of. The. Things.

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Hey graphic designers, I’m really sorry

Why am I sorry? Because your skills are apparently not very highly valued. As if this wasn’t bad enough.

You already knew that, right? In case you didn’t, today’s shit job is one that is willing to pay you the princely sum of $10 PER HOUR for your labors.

Dear reader, I remember my first job. It was at a pizza place. It was for minimum wage which, at that time was $4.75/hr I believe. I was in high school and I worked there 3 nights per week. So, as you can imagine, I wasn’t depending on this job to feed myself or my family. I was 15 years old. 

I also remember my second job. It was in a State Farm Insurance office. I was 17 when I started working there. My starting pay was $10/hr. Eventually it went up to $12/hr. The “real adults” who worked there were of course paid a bit more. 

I also baby-sat during the high school years. They paid $10/hr as well. Some were a bit less, but then those were people with one child who was often a trouble-free baby.

So, let’s see…. this “Entry Level Graphic Deisgner” job would be great IF YOU WERE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. Maybe even college. But it wouldn’t be so fucking great if you’re 20 or older and not wanting to live at home with your parents.

This company is also in Vernon Hills which is presumably where you would have to come for work. Where is Vernon Hills you ask? Right here.

In other words, not exactly young, 20-something central. So if you live in the city or somewhere similarly far, you’ll need a car. There’s no getting to this place by public transit, let me just assure you of that. How will you be able to afford a car on $10 per hour? Perhpas a clue can be found in their description of their dream employee:

The ideal candidate should be self motivated and able to work in a fast paced, but supportive environment and support the creative team.

Translation: Be prepared to get creative and forage for food around the cardboard box you’ll have to set up somewhere near this office because that is the ONLY way you’ll be able to afford taking this job.

Maybe the “creative team” will help you with that. I mean, it’s a “supportive environment,” right?

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HAVE A SOUL - sell energy drinks!

This job posting is a bit different for us, but couldn’t be passed up. It’s for an energy drink company. Unfortunately, there is no salary information, but it seems to me it’s a “lot of work for little pay” situation. When you have to hype up your company to seem like the next best thing to sliced bread, there is usually something actually lacking in the job.

Sample of what you’ll be doing as a Field Marketing Manager:

• Maximize product traction in the market by identifying, creating, and supporting key events / scenes / marketing opportunities that are reflective of the Relentless brand values and deliver a clear, strong, authentic brand message to the consumer. 
• Develop field marketing plan and budget in close collaboration with Managing Partner. 
• Engage new users and expand the consumer base on a constant basis. 
• Facilitate all in-market promotions. 
• Facilitate trainings as necessary. 
• Manage and coordinate sampling teams and associated budgets. 
• Review and support inventory management. 
• Ensure effective in-market program execution. 
• Work with distributors to ensure they are prepared for program execution where necessary. 
• Facilitate all necessary logistics for use of Relentless assets at program activations. 

My favorite part of the listing, however, comes at the beginning:

If you are a self-starter and ready to take on this challenge; then read on. 
If we need to tell you how to do this job…then this job is not for you. 

YOU WILL GIVE A DAMN BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SOUL 

I didn’t know energy drinks possessed a soul.

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Shafting your graphic designer? That’s not very Christian.

So ok., we know there was no shit job posted yesterday. Allow me to refer you to the note at the bottom of this shit job.

Now then, today’s shit job is quite simply awesome. Let me just start with the best part right up top and that is the stated compensation. These three little words are just wonderful. How much are these Christian publishers going to pay you? They will pay you a PERCENTAGE OF SALES.

In case anyone is unclear on what that means, you will not be paid a salary. Not even a shitty one. You will be paid some percentage of the money they make peddling their books. And they don’t even say what the percentage is!!! It might be 1% or it might be 50%. I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s closer to 1%, don’t you?

In any event, this is not an honest way of paying someone. Salespeople often get paid a percentage of what they sell, but then it’s within their control how much is sold. If they work their asses off, they make more money. If they don’t, they don’t.

In this case though, the graphic designer doesn’t have ANY control. I mean, are they going to put you out on a corner pushing Christian books to people? I don’t think so. They just want you to do the graphic design and they’ll worry about the sales. Well, I’m sure that’s going to work out FAMOUSLY.

Isn’t there something in the Bible about teaching a man to fish vs. giving him the fish? The former is supposed to be the way to go. Rather than giving someone a handout, you’re teaching them how to do it themselves. But if you take this job it seems to me that they’re not going to give you the fish OR teach you how to fish. They’re going to say, look, we’ll worry about the fish, you just do our graphic design, ok? 

I’ve also just noticed that these folks publish Christian FICTION. Can anyone tell me what that is? Is it like regular fiction, but without the sex and violence?

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Crap-on

Groupon. By now, everyone has heard of the group-coupon-buying website, where you can get 50% off meals, tickets to amusement parks, etc. They are making BILLIONS of dollars and have created a new business model that makes this recession seem win-win for consumers and businesses.

So of course you want to work there. Who wouldn’t - they’re a young, hip company making tons of money, and you are young and hip and want to make tons of money.

Groupon pays its creatives around $28k (according to their own website). Not a lot, right? But hey, you’re still young and hip, the money can come later… So let’s look at a sample job listing to see how you’d apply for this job.

To apply, first examine the images on our site extensively to get an idea of our aesthetic and the correct dimensions.  Then create three sample images for the following businesses:
 
Poor Boys Steakhouse:
http://www.poorboyssteakhouse.com/index.php
The Shore Store:
http://shorestorenj.com/index.htm
Woodland Lanes
http://www.woodlandlanes.com/

Back the application train up here, Groupon. You’re a reputable company - you want us to do WHAT now? Do your job - just to maybe get a job?

We here at Shit Job Of The Day are Anti-Spec. Without getting into a major debate about it, let’s just all agree that it’s wrong to do any work for free.

With Groupon’s high employee turnover rate (that or they’re never filling the postings to begin with), it’s easy see that something might just be wrong with working for everyone’s new favorite way to clip coupons.

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What’s worse than a shit job?

The answer to that question is…  wait for it… a straight-up SCAM.

A scam ladies and gentlemen is not a job at all; it’s a way of being used without your knowledge.

It’s like someone serving you dog poop that looks like a steak. It’s like being told the check is in the mail. It’s like finding out that there no Santa Claus AND the guy dressed as him stole your TV and silverware to boot.

With all that in mind, we present to you the shit job of the day that isn’t a job at all

How are you supposed to know that this is a shit job? This part should be your first clue:

All openings are full time and need to be filled immediately. There is no experience necessary. Interns are encouraged; summer internships are available. We are interviewing now. Send your resume or call! We do encourage college graduates or inexperienced professionals looking for a career change to apply.

No experience? Sounds neato! I mean, even garbage collection men need to have experience, but this is clearly something SO SIMPLE that anyone can do it. Even a college graduate! Yes, Suzy and Bobby, your college fund was not wasted. Don’t let anyone tell you that those classes in Sociology and Philosophy didn’t prepare you for the workforce. Even YOU could get one of these jobs.

Except there’s a slight problem. 

"Limelight Marketing" is not quite what they seem. How does the poem go? A rose by any other name…"

And look, they’ve certainly had other names.

So everyone, please stay far, FAR away from ever applying for anything like this. Come on, you’re not that desperate. Are you?

By the way, we know that there was no shit job posted yesterday. Cut us some slack, ok? We’re trying to find ourselves a NON-shitty job here.

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Do you want to join a pyramid scheme? Apply here!

Today’s shit job comes to us once again from the gift that keeps on giving: Craigslist. I warned you about them, didn’t I?

Now, this job is special because not only is it most definitely a shit job, but it also illustrates the fun that results from anyone being able to post a Craigslist ad. They’re free, haven’t you heard? As such, any weirdo or freak can just post anything they want.

This lady is most likely neither of those things. What she is though is someone who’d like you to join her pyramid scheme. Ok., maybe selling jewelry isn’t exactly Bernie Madoff territory, but it ain’t far off either.

In case you’re not familiar with how this, Avon, Mary Kay and other awesome “careers for women” work, you can make a little money selling stuff on your own, but the real juice comes when you start building a sales team. That means you get, say, 10 people under you who all sell and you get a percentage of their sales. Each of those women can then start their own group whose sales they’ll get a percentage of. Meanwhile, you’re still getting your cut and now it’s a lot bigger since where you once had 10 people, you now have 100.

Got it? 

The best part is how they try to draw you in:

Do you want to earn free jewelry for yourself or Christmas presents?

FREE JEWELRY LADIES!!! Did you hear that? 

Of course your “Starter Kit” will not be free, but it WILL be steeply discounted:

Starter Kits will be discounted from $99 to $50 at this presentation.

Wow, that’s a discount of about… 50% according to my calculations. What a deal!!!

These “companies” all have the same branding. They’re all aimed at “working mothers” or “working Mothers.” As if women and/or mothers are only capable of making a living by hawking make-up or jewelry to their friends and neighbors at house parties or at school bake sales or on the soccer field. 

I guess it’s better than prostitution. But not by much.

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The Trial Period

This one is pretty “simple.” Work for 60 days for this company, make them tons of money, beat down other people, and you’ll maybe get hired on as the “team manager.”

We are now hiring for 5 highly motivated, entrepreneurial, results driven sales professionals. After the 60 day trial period, the top sales executive will be promoted to team manager and earn override on the team in addition to personal sales. 

Requirements: 2 years experience in online advertising sales 
 

Social Media Guru

Oh, have you noticed, there’s no way to even find out who this company is?